burned out

Today is another day I tried to talk myself into quitting my job.

Every time I fantasize about walking out of the office or a meeting - just like that - and never come back, my reason (called motherly sense of responsibility) kicks in and advises me not to be so hot-headed....to think a few steps ahead and the fact that I have children to feed and clothe.....to weigh the risks. And once my head is done with my wild inspiration, all my valor has usually dissipated and all that is left is frustration, simmering anger, and stress, manifesting itself with heart ache and the activation of my lacrimal glands.

I am tired of the office politics. I am tired of the liars, the intrigues, the gossip, the laziness, the bad decision making and lack of expertise or professional/interpersonal grace all around me. Not everyone around me is despicable, of course. I have a lot of very lovely colleagues. Unfortunately, the environment as a whole is toxic, unproductive, and the anti-thesis to collaboration, for people have nothing but attacks or criticism for each other's ideas. It's maddening.

But what is most upsetting is the fact that I got stuck in a place where I should most definitely not have settled. Now I am so deep into it that it's going to take a lot of gut to step out of it all and build a new career, a new life. It is incredibly frightening to take the risk and quit in THIS economy (which experts refer to no longer as a recession but a full fledged depression). This fear creates a sort of paralysis which keeps me straight on my commute to work, leaves me put on my uncomfortable, back-breaking office chair, smiling at everyone as if nothing were wrong and as if I loved my job.

I am good at what I do... but it is an empty existence. Who the hell cares about what I do? It is irrelevant to this world. I want to make a change. Not only creatively but also with non-profit work (helping the needy).
I am the type of person who would be glad to report on the front lines of a war...what the hell am I doing in IT?

Of course, just because I would like to be a (photo-)journalist on the front, doesn't mean I have the luxury to do so anymore. At least, that's how I see it. I owe it to my young daughters to make sure I keep my stable job, don't jump off any cliffs or travel into war-zones. It's not about me anymore....but I am dying here (no pun intended).

And, of course, I am not.

I know, how lucky I am to have what I have. I am LUCKY _not_ to live in a war zone, I am blessed to have healthy children, my own health, a roof over my head, a secure job, food on my table. And I don't forget to thank God for these privileges every day, many times a day. ... But, ... still I feel like  I must make a change and take a risk, for if I don't, I think, I'll internalize all this stress and make myself sick.

I read a quote on happiness the other day....I'm paraphrasing: "10% is about what life gives you and 90% is about how you take it." ....  I'm usually pretty good at adhering to this kind of credo but sometimes (or lately) I am overwhelmed by how I seem to have wasted my potential. I am turning 38 this year. 3-8! .... I need to take action soon or it will be too late to really build something new....

I want to curl up and cry now.
But, I'm going to have to get back to my to-do list and email attacks from the management.

online dating observations

i'm back. quick update: it seems to finally be over between J and i. it's been more than two months since we've seen each other. that's longer than any (of the many separations) we've had during our 4.5 years together.

so... as a distraction (and redirection of any romantic thoughts about a man i can & should never be with)... i have signed up with two online dating services.

at first, it was more of an accident. i happened to see one of these eharmony ads on my music site (pandora) and realized that "hey! -  i'm single now... i can finally see what this is all about." so, i clicked on the ad and a thousand questions later i had my profile on eharmony but was informed that i can't really talk to anyone or see anyone's pictures if i don't cough up some $$. and so i did.
after a while, i got tired of these luigis, mitchells, franks and jeffreys....it's not that i have anything against those names but i began to discern a certain pattern of men i was being matched up with. also, and i didn't realize this before, eharmony people are really serious about dating & marriage. i'm not even sure if i ever want to be in relationship again!

so, after a few weeks of being introduced to entirely too many quinquagenarians and die-hard yankee fans, i've decided that it was time to move to a hipper dating site. i'm not saying yankee fans aren't hip but i was becoming a bit concerned that so many guys (90% of my matches) were defining themselves by a sports team preference. seriously... there are so many baseball fans looking for women that i was tempted to begin a social study, looking for a correlation of variables.

if these guys could connect with each other they could start fantasy baseball leagues based on similar match algorithms they use to match up potential romantic mates. one could draw up a whole new business model here...

anyway, so on chemistry.com the guys are indeed younger and hipper but they are probably the type of guys i should stay away from. also, i've discovered a bunch of undercover yankees fans. i understand the enthusiasm if you play sports and it is actually _your_ team who you feel for but _you are not actually playing_ for any of these big league teams? i just don't understand the enthusiasm, the empathy, the compassion. these people and their performance have nothing to do with you..
i used to watch a lot of basketball. loved it. played it, too. ... ok, i digress... enough with the sports watching obsession i don't get.

on chemistry.com they have you take a personality test, which becomes a main identifier on your profile. my result was "director". now, that may be flattering and possibly helpful if this were my linkedin profile but on a dating site i don't think it's a good feature for a woman to have that personality label association. if there is one thing i have learned over the years it is that men like to feel superior to their female, even if they are - in most cases - not by a long shot.
no guy wants to date a bossy girl (even though, in the end they all do, for women tend to try to control their men once they get comfortable). i may be a director, i may be opinionated, and so much more but i do not like to control my man. i may be a control freak in general (situation related) but as it goes for relationships, i'm more the "provide gentle feedback but then let be" kind of person. or, at least, i attempt to be that.

so, by now i've become over-saturated by all these matches. i have not actually met with anyone and i have spoken to only one person over the phone - once. we had a really good and rapid rapport over text but when we got on the phone he barely managed to listen and did most of the talking. you just never know a person until you personally interact with them. even though i highly appreciate an eloquent man i have learned that this does not necessarily mean they are a good or peaceful mate. i really ought to try to let go of this pet peeve of mine... eloquence and intellectualism (word?) does not equal good partner.

[btw... another personal observation: the better looking the guy the worse they are in bed... not that i have a lot of data to back this statement up. really, i should get out there a bit more... i'm a woman in my mid-thirties and my "number" is in the single digits... all my girlfriends have slept with at least 25-30 men. ... maybe it's because i started late, had a 12-year marriage, and then another long-term relationship. ... anyway: new year's resolution: catch up a little. get laid more! now, if only i had the time...and weren't so damn picky.]

the guys i am interested in, are often not interested in me.
maybe i should stop giving them profile/photo improvement suggestions ("hey, nice profile...but i'm not sure how i feel about a guy in his thirties who would date an 18-yr old. ... are you aware that you've put that in your age-range setting?"...or "hey, what's with the self-portrait of you over your unmade bed?" it's like the criticizing begins before we have even met.
also, maybe i should stop with sarcastic comments like "why are you taking a picture of yourself in the bathroom mirror? are you hiding from your wife?"

the photo choices these guys are making are really tragic at times. or the stuff they write about themselves or what they are looking for. it's like they need a profile consultant and if i don't tell them, who will?

assimilation observations

i've been having a visitor from austria stay with me. it's amazing how within one day that girl could absorb the very few house rules my boyfriend couldn't get into his head over the course of 4 years. this brings me to the conclusion that he simply doesn't care.

having a fellow austrian around me also makes me realize the characteristics i have lost over the years. primarily the "being too nice" trait. i can't count how many times i have heard my ex-husband or some of my friends tell me that i am being too friendly to people.
i feel like i have lost that. i am at a point at which i want to tell everyone whose life choices i disagree with exactly what i think. ;)

good things and bad things

bad happenstances this week:

• hitting traffic jam at 1:30 in the morning when already at absolute limit of strength to keep eyes open
• cell-phone touch screen shattering on the asphalt floor thanks to clumsy butter-finger gene (now slightly cutting fingers everytime i text).
• realizing best friend of 10 years has back-stabbing tendencies and has smeared my reputation at work
• noticing that my money tree is dying (fingers crossed that this doesn't really stand in any relation to my already shabby financial situation).
• new kittens vandalizing entire home. it's official: every single piece of furniture is now slightly torn up ... and this is only the beginning of their terrible reign in my house. :(

good happenstances this week:

• ok...lemme think..............
• uhm...as i am complaining to J about the traffic jam, i notice the passenger in the car next to me is cracking a cigar, which - if you are familiar with the street - means they're about to roll up some smoke. As I look at the two young guys in the front seats, the driver blows me a kiss. I shake my head. They're a good 15 years younger than I (and I'm being stingy with the years). "Alright, hand it over", I joke and their expressions change from attempted seduction to surprise to joy. A minute later they roll up next to me again (it's all stop-and-go) and one of the youngsters stretches over to me to hand me a little bag of weed! I couldn't believe it....all these years I would have loved for someone to hand me a free bag of smoke and then -- when I have decided to let it go to help J stay clean -- there it comes...delivered by a complete stranger in the middle of the highway. ... Tsk, tsk, tsk. ...
  so, this was supposed to be a positive thing that happened...which it totally would have been, would I still be smoking. ;) ....but I'm counting it anyway...just because I feel like I should think more positively. I am feeling mighty bitter these days. Disillusioned and hopeless about the state of humanity. I used to be an optimist, now I would say, I'm a realist, but J just calls me a pessimist. I don't know....I refuse to believe that I it has come to that...

morning coffee

arrive at dunkin donuts drive-through. get cursed out by guy because i signal to turn when he would prefer everybody goes straight so he can get to his destination as fast as possible. get welcomed by automatic greeting. as every day, i am upset by this impersonal reflection of the shop's lazyness. what? you can't tell me 'hello' yourself? really? is it that more annoying to say hi to everyone who comes through than it is to take the same order 500 times a day?

i order latte. conversation goes something like this:
me: small iced latte with 3 sugars and milk.
DD: medium or large?
me: SMALL iced latte. 3 sugars. milk.
DD: small hot latte, caramel, with cream.
me: (thinking: seriously?!) -- NO, SMALL ICED latte. NO FLAVORS. Just 3 sugars and milk.

realize there is no sugar in my drink once i take my first sip on the highway.
try to find old sugar packets in glove compartment. almost crash.
decide it's the perfect time to learn how to drink coffee without sugar.
since i'm cutting down on sugar, i decide, it's ok to skip my trip to the gym.
liking the new (sendentary) health plan.

hatching strategies for future love life

not sure if you can "hatch" a strategy but i don't have time to look this up right now. i have 10 minutes before i leave work. so, here my strategies to avoid my former mistakes in choosing men.

Strategy 1:

I will tell everyone I am not into guys anymore, therefore, nipping in the bud any and all come-on attempts (and potential failures of mine to remain selective). This may even bring me a bunch of new friends, for it will remove the rejection effect.

Strategy 2:

I will present suitors with a request that will most likely deter them anyway (thus weeding out the ones not worth my time). The only problem with the request is that it sounds so snobbish I am not sure if I can pull it off. So here it is: If a guy wants to go out with me I will ask him to undergo an interview process of a sort. I need to know where he works, how long he has been working there, what his relationship is to his parents. I would like to speak to his friends and preferably to his ex-girlfriend/wife.
This request wouldn't sound so nuts if the man would know what he'll get in exchange. Of course, the problem is, he doesn't - so...it appears I'll never be in any romantic liaison again. ;)

It's just that I am soo tired of wasting my time with men that take advantage of my kindness, tolerance, patience, and generosity. I'm not all peach and chocolate, of course, but, I think, as a whole package it's hard to find a mate as freaggin' committed and tolerant as I am. Or maybe, women are just like that in general... And men just usually think of themselves (in a relationship). Built-in mechanisms?

Of course, this is angry stereotyping and I should probably spend a bit more time than 10 minutes on writing an entry that contains such a heavy statement. Some of my male friends would not be happy if they read this entry...so I'll shut up and revisit the topic later.

For now: time to focus on work. My own stuff.

Not sure if i like my new blog title

Dammit, all the pretty blog names i've wanted to use were taken -- so, i went with "Over-analyzing Queen", which wouldn't be all that bad if it hadn't the word "ANAL" in it. :p

Somehow that bugs me.

Anyway, here the names I've wanted to use but which are probably taken by someone who _isn't even blogging_ or whose blog's content doesn't match the title at all. Like I am guilty of with my last blog, although, when you go check it out you won't see evidence of this misuse of a title/url anymore, for I have fittingly renamed it from "Sapient Musings" to "Addicted to An Addict". There just wasn't all that much sapient activity. As much as I tried to lighten it up with posts I copied over from my older blogs ("Bitchin' Mama Part#1" & "Bitchin' Mama Part#2"), my new entries were all a bit tragic and should have brought before an Al-Anon meeting instead of the silenced blogosphere I've put my stories into.

Ehm... I think I was going to list the names I was going to choose for this blog before I got stuck with "Overanalyzing Queen" but now I can't remember. My short-term memory is useless.
I blame it on the children and my endless days of work. ;)

I am happy to report that I have introduced a gym hour into my day, though. Was about time. I've been storing my gym clothes in the office for about 2 years now. Turns out, gym time isn't as much torture as I remember it to be. The key is to only do exercises you like and without pushing yourself (as the fitness buffs try to tell you). This way you don't develop an aversion to going to the gym and should look forward to this time away from everything. Just listening to music...moving your body as you please. I guess, you could also have sex instead...or go dancing. But sex requires a partner, and a partner comes with requirements and potential drama variables further into the routine. And dancing, well...it would just be awkward to start dancing around for an hour in the middle of the day. It's just not as socially acceptable as walking on the treadmill. [That's right. I _walk_ on the treadmill. I hate running. But, I walk fast, ok! So, stop judging me.]