Maybe the reason we believe our times are the worst times and
the past is so infinitely more virtuous is because our perception is divided
into childhood, adolescence, young adulthood, and adulthood.
Childhood brings naiveté into our interpretations of the
world around us. Something we replace with mistrust or prejudgment over time,
thus turning “our time” into a time of moral decline and loss of humanity.
Miller writes that “Hope
is a bad thing. It means that you are not what you want to be. It means that
part of you is dead, if not _all_ of you. It means that you entertain
illusions. It’s a sort of spiritual clap, I should say.”
It seems, I have found someone who is even more cynical than
I am these days. What a depressing and dreadful statement. I feel very close to
this sentiment. I feel that I was only a few breaths away from making exactly
such an observation. My life isn’t what it was supposed to be. It isn’t what it
could be and it only isn’t because instead of brave (reckless?) and motivated
(naïve?) bold actions of change, I stuck with safety. “You’ve got kids to
support”, I tell myself, “don’t you dare quit your job in this economy. And to –
say what? – become an artist? A
photographer? A war correspondent? A writer? A composer? Either one of these
professional aspirations is insane or irresponsible, at least. Besides, you don’t
know how to write music, so why is the latter even in your list of dream jobs?”
– This soliloquy continues endlessly in my head. Everything I do is tainted by
discontent about my failure of having steered my life into the right direction
when it was crucial to do so. I’m 38 now and hopefully I’ll look back at this
time of crisis one day and think how foolish and green behind the ears I was to
think so pessimistically. I have to say, I’m slightly horrified by the thought
that this moment of reflection won’t ever happen.
Ok – I need to switch gears and get myself back up. I’m
going to go read all the inspirational fortune cookie messages I’ve saved over
time. Some, I have memorized…“If you
think you can do a thing or think you can’t do a thing, you’re right.” -- “It is a rough road that leads to the heights
of greatness.” -- “In the middle of
every difficulty lies opportunity.” -- “Fear
knocked at the door. Faith answered. No one was there.” – “This will be the
year you succeed.”
Feeling a little bit better already, although, I should
probably not save that last fortune. It will really make me feel shitty,
possibly take away the positive power of the fortune cookie, when I re-read it
next year.
I prefer reading inspirational texts instead of writings by people as cynical as I am. It’s like medicine on a dark day filled with lung-piercing coughs. But, somehow, even those little pills of happy are wearing off. It’s like everything else if you have too much of it, it loses its special effect. Your favorite dessert, “time” spent with your sweet-heart, your favorite song, coffee.
My
analogies are weakening (not that they were ever very strong). Who guessed I’m
drinking coffee right now?
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