so, i was driving by a church today -- a church, i wouldn't even have noticed hadn't it been for the giant pothole right in front of it. usually, a little (well, 5'4'') speed demon, i was forced to slow down; something i should have probably done for the sake of possibly ball-chasing children on this brownstone-lined little street i decided to turn onto. a turn, by the way, i hardly ever make on my daily commute home. i think, the reason there are no speed bumps in washington heights is because there are so many potholes forcing cars to slow down. anyway...i digress. i was going to spread my wisdomly insight...and now i am beginning to sound like an idiot going on about trite, stereotypical generalizations.
so - let me return to my philosophical aha moment....or potential aha-moment, maybe. driving by the church reminded me of the fact that i hadn't been in a church to pray for a very long time, and this is not only because i am technically not christian - in fact, for the ones who don't know my older blogs, i was raised muslim (in austria, which is 98% catholic). nowadays, ..actually for over 10 years now (dammit, time flies!), i'd call myself agnostic. however, even in my days of religiosity and until today, i would every once in a while seek the peace and quiet of a church to retreat for quiet prayer, for - as far as i am concerned - a house of prayer is a house of prayer. churches are on every other corner in the city, so it was more of a convenience thing.
every time i would ask to be let into a church - i would often come at odd hours but was always allowed in - i had a divine experience. now, i don't know whether i had these experiences because in these moments and these spiritual places i had the chance to fully concentrate on my conversation with god or whether it was because i would usually choose this moments of intense prayer in times of emotional hardship, possibly making me even more susceptible to such physical experiences...but honestly, i don't care, for they were real and reassuring to me and that's all that matters. faith is something very personal, which is why i find religious fanaticism alienating. well, most people probably do....but, in my opinion, religious hate is an oxymoron. how can you hate someone for believing in god or searching for their spiritual path? just because they don't do it the way you do it? that's why they must be destroyed or hated or converted or whatever? IT MAKES NO SENSE. that has nothing to do with the greatness that is the experience of spirituality, whichever way you find it. and hate is not god. god is love. ...and this is what sprang to mind at that moment. i thought, "o.k., you haven't prayed or donated in a while but you thank God for every bite of food, every beautiful breeze that eases your pain and stress, every sweet moment of the day, and every night you go to sleep. that's most important." and then i thought, ... is that what is most important? i have friends who pray every day and their lives have been full of repetitive, grueling hardship. or, maybe it is that i don't see my own hardships as all that bad. i don't know. maybe it is because my hardships don't include bad health, and it's true...health is probably one of the most valuable possessions one can have.
then i thought, maybe the most important thing is not to be selfish ... or ... to understand the difference between guarding oneself from harm and being selfish. sometimes people think they're just protecting themselves, making decisions based on a hard truth they've been taught early on: "look out for yourself, for nobody else is". but, while i see how guarding oneself in certain aspects is o.k., i think, a lot of the decisions and behaviors resulting from this mantra are just plain egotistical, something that, I think, creates bad karma.
you _have_ to think of others. you _must not_ be selfish. these things are key to a clean spirituality.
you can pray all you want, if you are doing bad things, it's all lost.
it is your actions that matter not your religious activities, which is why i gave up on my strict observance of certain practices (don't eat pork, don't ever drink, etc. etc.). it doesn't matter if you do it all, if you are not doing your best to be a good person, you may as well just go forget about your relationship with god, for you are not listening. of course, the listening part can kick in at any time - usually later in life for most people .. so, ...don't forget about that relationship, i suppose....and use your brain a little.
of course, ... this is if there really is a god. ... oh my, just writing such a doubtful sentence gives me physical symptoms of stress. as if someone is shooting a neurological rush through my body, reminding me that i better not even start on that tangent. [i think, i wrote something about atheism once. it was another one of those philosophically clear moments. an idea. an epiphany of sort. ... maybe i can find it and post].
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