so, i was driving by a church today -- a church, i wouldn't even have noticed hadn't it been for the giant pothole right in front of it. usually, a little (well, 5'4'') speed demon, i was forced to slow down; something i should have probably done for the sake of possibly ball-chasing children on this brownstone-lined little street i decided to turn onto. a turn, by the way, i hardly ever make on my daily commute home. i think, the reason there are no speed bumps in washington heights is because there are so many potholes forcing cars to slow down. anyway...i digress. i was going to spread my wisdomly insight...and now i am beginning to sound like an idiot going on about trite, stereotypical generalizations.
so - let me return to my philosophical aha moment....or potential aha-moment, maybe. driving by the church reminded me of the fact that i hadn't been in a church to pray for a very long time, and this is not only because i am technically not christian - in fact, for the ones who don't know my older blogs, i was raised muslim (in austria, which is 98% catholic). nowadays, ..actually for over 10 years now (dammit, time flies!), i'd call myself agnostic. however, even in my days of religiosity and until today, i would every once in a while seek the peace and quiet of a church to retreat for quiet prayer, for - as far as i am concerned - a house of prayer is a house of prayer. churches are on every other corner in the city, so it was more of a convenience thing.
every time i would ask to be let into a church - i would often come at odd hours but was always allowed in - i had a divine experience. now, i don't know whether i had these experiences because in these moments and these spiritual places i had the chance to fully concentrate on my conversation with god or whether it was because i would usually choose this moments of intense prayer in times of emotional hardship, possibly making me even more susceptible to such physical experiences...but honestly, i don't care, for they were real and reassuring to me and that's all that matters. faith is something very personal, which is why i find religious fanaticism alienating. well, most people probably do....but, in my opinion, religious hate is an oxymoron. how can you hate someone for believing in god or searching for their spiritual path? just because they don't do it the way you do it? that's why they must be destroyed or hated or converted or whatever? IT MAKES NO SENSE. that has nothing to do with the greatness that is the experience of spirituality, whichever way you find it. and hate is not god. god is love. ...and this is what sprang to mind at that moment. i thought, "o.k., you haven't prayed or donated in a while but you thank God for every bite of food, every beautiful breeze that eases your pain and stress, every sweet moment of the day, and every night you go to sleep. that's most important." and then i thought, ... is that what is most important? i have friends who pray every day and their lives have been full of repetitive, grueling hardship. or, maybe it is that i don't see my own hardships as all that bad. i don't know. maybe it is because my hardships don't include bad health, and it's true...health is probably one of the most valuable possessions one can have.
then i thought, maybe the most important thing is not to be selfish ... or ... to understand the difference between guarding oneself from harm and being selfish. sometimes people think they're just protecting themselves, making decisions based on a hard truth they've been taught early on: "look out for yourself, for nobody else is". but, while i see how guarding oneself in certain aspects is o.k., i think, a lot of the decisions and behaviors resulting from this mantra are just plain egotistical, something that, I think, creates bad karma.
you _have_ to think of others. you _must not_ be selfish. these things are key to a clean spirituality.
you can pray all you want, if you are doing bad things, it's all lost.
it is your actions that matter not your religious activities, which is why i gave up on my strict observance of certain practices (don't eat pork, don't ever drink, etc. etc.). it doesn't matter if you do it all, if you are not doing your best to be a good person, you may as well just go forget about your relationship with god, for you are not listening. of course, the listening part can kick in at any time - usually later in life for most people .. so, ...don't forget about that relationship, i suppose....and use your brain a little.
of course, ... this is if there really is a god. ... oh my, just writing such a doubtful sentence gives me physical symptoms of stress. as if someone is shooting a neurological rush through my body, reminding me that i better not even start on that tangent. [i think, i wrote something about atheism once. it was another one of those philosophically clear moments. an idea. an epiphany of sort. ... maybe i can find it and post].
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
burned out
Today is another day I tried to talk myself into quitting my job.
Every time I fantasize about walking out of the office or a meeting - just like that - and never come back, my reason (called motherly sense of responsibility) kicks in and advises me not to be so hot-headed....to think a few steps ahead and the fact that I have children to feed and clothe.....to weigh the risks. And once my head is done with my wild inspiration, all my valor has usually dissipated and all that is left is frustration, simmering anger, and stress, manifesting itself with heart ache and the activation of my lacrimal glands.
I am tired of the office politics. I am tired of the liars, the intrigues, the gossip, the laziness, the bad decision making and lack of expertise or professional/interpersonal grace all around me. Not everyone around me is despicable, of course. I have a lot of very lovely colleagues. Unfortunately, the environment as a whole is toxic, unproductive, and the anti-thesis to collaboration, for people have nothing but attacks or criticism for each other's ideas. It's maddening.
But what is most upsetting is the fact that I got stuck in a place where I should most definitely not have settled. Now I am so deep into it that it's going to take a lot of gut to step out of it all and build a new career, a new life. It is incredibly frightening to take the risk and quit in THIS economy (which experts refer to no longer as a recession but a full fledged depression). This fear creates a sort of paralysis which keeps me straight on my commute to work, leaves me put on my uncomfortable, back-breaking office chair, smiling at everyone as if nothing were wrong and as if I loved my job.
I am good at what I do... but it is an empty existence. Who the hell cares about what I do? It is irrelevant to this world. I want to make a change. Not only creatively but also with non-profit work (helping the needy).
I am the type of person who would be glad to report on the front lines of a war...what the hell am I doing in IT?
Of course, just because I would like to be a (photo-)journalist on the front, doesn't mean I have the luxury to do so anymore. At least, that's how I see it. I owe it to my young daughters to make sure I keep my stable job, don't jump off any cliffs or travel into war-zones. It's not about me anymore....but I am dying here (no pun intended).
And, of course, I am not.
I know, how lucky I am to have what I have. I am LUCKY _not_ to live in a war zone, I am blessed to have healthy children, my own health, a roof over my head, a secure job, food on my table. And I don't forget to thank God for these privileges every day, many times a day. ... But, ... still I feel like I must make a change and take a risk, for if I don't, I think, I'll internalize all this stress and make myself sick.
I read a quote on happiness the other day....I'm paraphrasing: "10% is about what life gives you and 90% is about how you take it." .... I'm usually pretty good at adhering to this kind of credo but sometimes (or lately) I am overwhelmed by how I seem to have wasted my potential. I am turning 38 this year. 3-8! .... I need to take action soon or it will be too late to really build something new....
I want to curl up and cry now.
But, I'm going to have to get back to my to-do list and email attacks from the management.
Every time I fantasize about walking out of the office or a meeting - just like that - and never come back, my reason (called motherly sense of responsibility) kicks in and advises me not to be so hot-headed....to think a few steps ahead and the fact that I have children to feed and clothe.....to weigh the risks. And once my head is done with my wild inspiration, all my valor has usually dissipated and all that is left is frustration, simmering anger, and stress, manifesting itself with heart ache and the activation of my lacrimal glands.
I am tired of the office politics. I am tired of the liars, the intrigues, the gossip, the laziness, the bad decision making and lack of expertise or professional/interpersonal grace all around me. Not everyone around me is despicable, of course. I have a lot of very lovely colleagues. Unfortunately, the environment as a whole is toxic, unproductive, and the anti-thesis to collaboration, for people have nothing but attacks or criticism for each other's ideas. It's maddening.
But what is most upsetting is the fact that I got stuck in a place where I should most definitely not have settled. Now I am so deep into it that it's going to take a lot of gut to step out of it all and build a new career, a new life. It is incredibly frightening to take the risk and quit in THIS economy (which experts refer to no longer as a recession but a full fledged depression). This fear creates a sort of paralysis which keeps me straight on my commute to work, leaves me put on my uncomfortable, back-breaking office chair, smiling at everyone as if nothing were wrong and as if I loved my job.
I am good at what I do... but it is an empty existence. Who the hell cares about what I do? It is irrelevant to this world. I want to make a change. Not only creatively but also with non-profit work (helping the needy).
I am the type of person who would be glad to report on the front lines of a war...what the hell am I doing in IT?
Of course, just because I would like to be a (photo-)journalist on the front, doesn't mean I have the luxury to do so anymore. At least, that's how I see it. I owe it to my young daughters to make sure I keep my stable job, don't jump off any cliffs or travel into war-zones. It's not about me anymore....but I am dying here (no pun intended).
And, of course, I am not.
I know, how lucky I am to have what I have. I am LUCKY _not_ to live in a war zone, I am blessed to have healthy children, my own health, a roof over my head, a secure job, food on my table. And I don't forget to thank God for these privileges every day, many times a day. ... But, ... still I feel like I must make a change and take a risk, for if I don't, I think, I'll internalize all this stress and make myself sick.
I read a quote on happiness the other day....I'm paraphrasing: "10% is about what life gives you and 90% is about how you take it." .... I'm usually pretty good at adhering to this kind of credo but sometimes (or lately) I am overwhelmed by how I seem to have wasted my potential. I am turning 38 this year. 3-8! .... I need to take action soon or it will be too late to really build something new....
I want to curl up and cry now.
But, I'm going to have to get back to my to-do list and email attacks from the management.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
online dating observations
i'm back. quick update: it seems to finally be over between J and i. it's been more than two months since we've seen each other. that's longer than any (of the many separations) we've had during our 4.5 years together.
so... as a distraction (and redirection of any romantic thoughts about a man i can & should never be with)... i have signed up with two online dating services.
at first, it was more of an accident. i happened to see one of these eharmony ads on my music site (pandora) and realized that "hey! - i'm single now... i can finally see what this is all about." so, i clicked on the ad and a thousand questions later i had my profile on eharmony but was informed that i can't really talk to anyone or see anyone's pictures if i don't cough up some $$. and so i did.
after a while, i got tired of these luigis, mitchells, franks and jeffreys....it's not that i have anything against those names but i began to discern a certain pattern of men i was being matched up with. also, and i didn't realize this before, eharmony people are really serious about dating & marriage. i'm not even sure if i ever want to be in relationship again!
so, after a few weeks of being introduced to entirely too many quinquagenarians and die-hard yankee fans, i've decided that it was time to move to a hipper dating site. i'm not saying yankee fans aren't hip but i was becoming a bit concerned that so many guys (90% of my matches) were defining themselves by a sports team preference. seriously... there are so many baseball fans looking for women that i was tempted to begin a social study, looking for a correlation of variables.
if these guys could connect with each other they could start fantasy baseball leagues based on similar match algorithms they use to match up potential romantic mates. one could draw up a whole new business model here...
anyway, so on chemistry.com the guys are indeed younger and hipper but they are probably the type of guys i should stay away from. also, i've discovered a bunch of undercover yankees fans. i understand the enthusiasm if you play sports and it is actually _your_ team who you feel for but _you are not actually playing_ for any of these big league teams? i just don't understand the enthusiasm, the empathy, the compassion. these people and their performance have nothing to do with you..
i used to watch a lot of basketball. loved it. played it, too. ... ok, i digress... enough with the sports watching obsession i don't get.
on chemistry.com they have you take a personality test, which becomes a main identifier on your profile. my result was "director". now, that may be flattering and possibly helpful if this were my linkedin profile but on a dating site i don't think it's a good feature for a woman to have that personality label association. if there is one thing i have learned over the years it is that men like to feel superior to their female, even if they are - in most cases - not by a long shot.
no guy wants to date a bossy girl (even though, in the end they all do, for women tend to try to control their men once they get comfortable). i may be a director, i may be opinionated, and so much more but i do not like to control my man. i may be a control freak in general (situation related) but as it goes for relationships, i'm more the "provide gentle feedback but then let be" kind of person. or, at least, i attempt to be that.
so, by now i've become over-saturated by all these matches. i have not actually met with anyone and i have spoken to only one person over the phone - once. we had a really good and rapid rapport over text but when we got on the phone he barely managed to listen and did most of the talking. you just never know a person until you personally interact with them. even though i highly appreciate an eloquent man i have learned that this does not necessarily mean they are a good or peaceful mate. i really ought to try to let go of this pet peeve of mine... eloquence and intellectualism (word?) does not equal good partner.
[btw... another personal observation: the better looking the guy the worse they are in bed... not that i have a lot of data to back this statement up. really, i should get out there a bit more... i'm a woman in my mid-thirties and my "number" is in the single digits... all my girlfriends have slept with at least 25-30 men. ... maybe it's because i started late, had a 12-year marriage, and then another long-term relationship. ... anyway: new year's resolution: catch up a little. get laid more! now, if only i had the time...and weren't so damn picky.]
the guys i am interested in, are often not interested in me.
maybe i should stop giving them profile/photo improvement suggestions ("hey, nice profile...but i'm not sure how i feel about a guy in his thirties who would date an 18-yr old. ... are you aware that you've put that in your age-range setting?"...or "hey, what's with the self-portrait of you over your unmade bed?" it's like the criticizing begins before we have even met.
also, maybe i should stop with sarcastic comments like "why are you taking a picture of yourself in the bathroom mirror? are you hiding from your wife?"
the photo choices these guys are making are really tragic at times. or the stuff they write about themselves or what they are looking for. it's like they need a profile consultant and if i don't tell them, who will?
so... as a distraction (and redirection of any romantic thoughts about a man i can & should never be with)... i have signed up with two online dating services.
at first, it was more of an accident. i happened to see one of these eharmony ads on my music site (pandora) and realized that "hey! - i'm single now... i can finally see what this is all about." so, i clicked on the ad and a thousand questions later i had my profile on eharmony but was informed that i can't really talk to anyone or see anyone's pictures if i don't cough up some $$. and so i did.
after a while, i got tired of these luigis, mitchells, franks and jeffreys....it's not that i have anything against those names but i began to discern a certain pattern of men i was being matched up with. also, and i didn't realize this before, eharmony people are really serious about dating & marriage. i'm not even sure if i ever want to be in relationship again!
so, after a few weeks of being introduced to entirely too many quinquagenarians and die-hard yankee fans, i've decided that it was time to move to a hipper dating site. i'm not saying yankee fans aren't hip but i was becoming a bit concerned that so many guys (90% of my matches) were defining themselves by a sports team preference. seriously... there are so many baseball fans looking for women that i was tempted to begin a social study, looking for a correlation of variables.
if these guys could connect with each other they could start fantasy baseball leagues based on similar match algorithms they use to match up potential romantic mates. one could draw up a whole new business model here...
anyway, so on chemistry.com the guys are indeed younger and hipper but they are probably the type of guys i should stay away from. also, i've discovered a bunch of undercover yankees fans. i understand the enthusiasm if you play sports and it is actually _your_ team who you feel for but _you are not actually playing_ for any of these big league teams? i just don't understand the enthusiasm, the empathy, the compassion. these people and their performance have nothing to do with you..
i used to watch a lot of basketball. loved it. played it, too. ... ok, i digress... enough with the sports watching obsession i don't get.
on chemistry.com they have you take a personality test, which becomes a main identifier on your profile. my result was "director". now, that may be flattering and possibly helpful if this were my linkedin profile but on a dating site i don't think it's a good feature for a woman to have that personality label association. if there is one thing i have learned over the years it is that men like to feel superior to their female, even if they are - in most cases - not by a long shot.
no guy wants to date a bossy girl (even though, in the end they all do, for women tend to try to control their men once they get comfortable). i may be a director, i may be opinionated, and so much more but i do not like to control my man. i may be a control freak in general (situation related) but as it goes for relationships, i'm more the "provide gentle feedback but then let be" kind of person. or, at least, i attempt to be that.
so, by now i've become over-saturated by all these matches. i have not actually met with anyone and i have spoken to only one person over the phone - once. we had a really good and rapid rapport over text but when we got on the phone he barely managed to listen and did most of the talking. you just never know a person until you personally interact with them. even though i highly appreciate an eloquent man i have learned that this does not necessarily mean they are a good or peaceful mate. i really ought to try to let go of this pet peeve of mine... eloquence and intellectualism (word?) does not equal good partner.
[btw... another personal observation: the better looking the guy the worse they are in bed... not that i have a lot of data to back this statement up. really, i should get out there a bit more... i'm a woman in my mid-thirties and my "number" is in the single digits... all my girlfriends have slept with at least 25-30 men. ... maybe it's because i started late, had a 12-year marriage, and then another long-term relationship. ... anyway: new year's resolution: catch up a little. get laid more! now, if only i had the time...and weren't so damn picky.]
the guys i am interested in, are often not interested in me.
maybe i should stop giving them profile/photo improvement suggestions ("hey, nice profile...but i'm not sure how i feel about a guy in his thirties who would date an 18-yr old. ... are you aware that you've put that in your age-range setting?"...or "hey, what's with the self-portrait of you over your unmade bed?" it's like the criticizing begins before we have even met.
also, maybe i should stop with sarcastic comments like "why are you taking a picture of yourself in the bathroom mirror? are you hiding from your wife?"
the photo choices these guys are making are really tragic at times. or the stuff they write about themselves or what they are looking for. it's like they need a profile consultant and if i don't tell them, who will?
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