Usually I'm risk-adverse...

I think, I just ate a cookie that expired in 1997. It certainly tasted like it..and, yet, I ate the whole cookie... My taste buds really put up with a lot of abuse to always ensure the timely satisfaction of my chocolate cravings.

posted from Bloggeroid

Rough day anyone

Today was a rough day.
This week has been a rough week .... and it's only Monday.
This year has been emotionally exhausting so far ...and, yes, it's only February.

It's hard to believe but the supervisor assigned to me after they moved abusive boss number one out of the picture is just like the latter dude, but on steroids: Every day, a good serving of micro-management served with a dash of unprofessional, loud, or berating behavior depending on his mood.

If it weren't for the way my parents raised me -- without a word of personal criticism ever -- I would have probably thrown myself off my office building already. Luckily, I'm sufficiently self-righteous and my self-esteem is pretty deep-rooted.

I didn't know what I was dreading more today: my first day back at work or the afternoon court date, at which I had to once again go battle my ex-husband. And to use the word "battle" is actually a completely unsuitable description, for after the judge had decided he needed to pay me over $700 every two weeks, I said that this "exorbitant amount" really wasn't necessary. Now, why the hell would I say such a thing? I really have a problem being matter-of-fact and merciless. I don't know why I felt bad for him. He earns exactly the same salary as I do, he lives with a partner that makes over 100k/year, he lives in a house in a nice NYC suburb, he is going to ARUBA in a few weeks, and over the years I have waived thousands of dollars he owed me in child support, because I felt bad for putting him in debt or so severely messing with his finances. I have tried and tried to come to an agreement just between us but he never kept up his side of the deal. He just didn't pay anything. So, ultimately, I had to go to court. And what a head-ache that was. It took me over a year to successfully process my paperwork, which the agency lost _twice_ not to mention the fact that they completely misinformed me. I should have gone to court (with a petition for enforcement) right away. Filing for child support doesn't DO anything but record that you have done so. Going to the Child Support Agency was also one of the most depressing and frustrating experiences I've ever had. The woman who was supposed to process my paperwork, had no words of advice whatsoever, sighed at every question I asked, and eventually told a co-worker sitting across from her how "sick and tired" she was of this job...WHILE I am sitting right next to her! But it gets better. She then hands me a customer satisfaction survey to fill out and return to her. Ehm - what? ... So, of course, I had to write that her service was 'excellent' and that she was 'great', cuz we all know where my paperwork would have ended up if I had put down anything else. Unfortunately, the woman was so incompetent, she misplaced my paperwork anyway and I didn't realize this until months later. And you can go ahead and try calling them. It's pointless. Except, of course, if you are my ex-husband who just has this magical touch with people (the gift of gab). When he called the agency, they told him that he shouldn't pay anything and just keep receipts of his expenses regarding the children. What receipts? He wasn't paying anything. What kind of customer rep would give such advice at an agency whose primary purpose is to get money out of refusing fathers?


Anyway -- long story short. The judge gave him the numbers and, even though, I shaved a good 500 bucks off the amount she originally stated, he ended the day with hate messages, which he bombarded me with using mobile texts. I thought, it couldn't get worse than the last time, when he told me, the more I rely on the courts to get him to pay, the less the children will see of him. However, this evening he actually told me that he wishes we didn't exist and that it would be better if we (the girls and I) were dead. He said that he doesn't want to see the kids or me ever again.

What a hurtful and immature thing to say. Those girls (now 11 and 8) LOVE him and they already miss him as it is. He used to have them every weekend but, after our last court date, he cut it down to every other weekend, most often just a day and a half.

This just breaks my heart.

So, summa summarum, my life is a bit dark these days. I also seem to have developed a thyroid issue, which, I hear, can be stress-related.

I try to remind myself, that despite the stressful, misogynistic job, the troubled, homeless boyfriend, and the crazy, hate-spewing ex-husband, things are good. I am not taking my blessings for granted. The girls are healthy and happy, I _have_ a job to support my kids and remain independent, my homeless, troubled boyfriend loves me, I have a couple of really lovely friends, we don't live in a war-torn country, I have luxuries such as WiFi and HBO (yeih - GIRLS and Flights of the Concorde). I have to be grateful.

But I also have to strive to bring more positive energy into my life. Let's start by not obsessing about the thoughtless words of the ex, and plans to find a different job. Maybe throw in some daily yoga and meditation for better balance.

(The above is an excerpt from a post I put onto my "Addicted to an Addict" blog)

Trying not to be too cynical here...

Thoughts (provoked by reading Henry Miller’s “The Cosmological Eye”, 1939)

Maybe the reason we believe our times are the worst times and the past is so infinitely more virtuous is because our perception is divided into childhood, adolescence, young adulthood, and adulthood.

Childhood brings naiveté into our interpretations of the world around us. Something we replace with mistrust or prejudgment over time, thus turning “our time” into a time of moral decline and loss of humanity.

Miller writes that “Hope is a bad thing. It means that you are not what you want to be. It means that part of you is dead, if not _all_ of you. It means that you entertain illusions. It’s a sort of spiritual clap, I should say.”

It seems, I have found someone who is even more cynical than I am these days. What a depressing and dreadful statement. I feel very close to this sentiment. I feel that I was only a few breaths away from making exactly such an observation. My life isn’t what it was supposed to be. It isn’t what it could be and it only isn’t because instead of brave (reckless?) and motivated (naïve?) bold actions of change, I stuck with safety. “You’ve got kids to support”, I tell myself, “don’t you dare quit your job in this economy. And to – say what? – become an artist? A photographer? A war correspondent? A writer? A composer? Either one of these professional aspirations is insane or irresponsible, at least. Besides, you don’t know how to write music, so why is the latter even in your list of dream jobs?” – This soliloquy continues endlessly in my head. Everything I do is tainted by discontent about my failure of having steered my life into the right direction when it was crucial to do so. I’m 38 now and hopefully I’ll look back at this time of crisis one day and think how foolish and green behind the ears I was to think so pessimistically. I have to say, I’m slightly horrified by the thought that this moment of reflection won’t ever happen.

Ok – I need to switch gears and get myself back up. I’m going to go read all the inspirational fortune cookie messages I’ve saved over time. Some, I have memorized…“If you think you can do a thing or think you can’t do a thing, you’re right.” -- “It is a rough road that leads to the heights of greatness.” -- “In the middle of every difficulty lies opportunity.” -- “Fear knocked at the door. Faith answered. No one was there.” – “This will be the year you succeed.”

Feeling a little bit better already, although, I should probably not save that last fortune. It will really make me feel shitty, possibly take away the positive power of the fortune cookie, when I re-read it next year.

I prefer reading inspirational texts instead of writings by people as cynical as I am. It’s like medicine on a dark day filled with lung-piercing coughs. But, somehow, even those little pills of happy are wearing off. It’s like everything else if you have too much of it, it loses its special effect. Your favorite dessert, “time” spent with your sweet-heart, your favorite song, coffee. 

My analogies are weakening (not that they were ever very strong). Who guessed I’m drinking coffee right now?

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attempts of decoding god's will ...one iota at a time

so, i was driving by a church today -- a church, i wouldn't even have noticed hadn't it been for the giant pothole right in front of it. usually, a little (well, 5'4'') speed demon, i was forced to slow down; something i should have probably done for the sake of possibly ball-chasing children on this brownstone-lined little street i decided to turn onto. a turn, by the way, i hardly ever make on my daily commute home. i think, the reason there are no speed bumps in washington heights is because there are so many potholes forcing cars to slow down. anyway...i digress. i was going to spread my wisdomly insight...and now i am beginning to sound like an idiot going on about trite, stereotypical generalizations.

so - let me return to my philosophical aha moment....or potential aha-moment, maybe. driving by the church reminded me of the fact that i hadn't been in a church to pray for a very long time, and this is not only because i am technically not christian - in fact, for the ones who don't know my older blogs, i was raised muslim (in austria, which is 98% catholic). nowadays, ..actually for over 10 years now (dammit, time flies!), i'd call myself agnostic. however, even in my days of religiosity and until today, i would every once in a while seek the peace and quiet of a church to retreat for quiet prayer, for - as far as i am concerned - a house of prayer is a house of prayer. churches are on every other corner in the city, so it was more of a convenience thing.

every time i would ask to be let into a church - i would often come at odd hours but was always allowed in - i had a divine experience. now, i don't know whether i had these experiences because in these moments and these spiritual places i had the chance to fully concentrate on my conversation with god or whether it was because i would usually choose this moments of intense prayer in times of emotional hardship, possibly making me even more susceptible to such physical experiences...but honestly, i don't care, for they were real and reassuring to me and that's all that matters. faith is something very personal, which is why i find religious fanaticism alienating. well, most people probably do....but, in my opinion, religious hate is an oxymoron. how can you hate someone for believing in god or searching for their spiritual path? just because they don't do it the way you do it? that's why they must be destroyed or hated or converted or whatever? IT MAKES NO SENSE. that has nothing to do with the greatness that is the experience of spirituality, whichever way you find it. and hate is not god. god is love. ...and this is what sprang to mind at that moment. i thought, "o.k., you haven't prayed or donated in a while but you thank God for every bite of food, every beautiful breeze that eases your pain and stress, every sweet moment of the day, and every night you go to sleep. that's most important." and then i thought, ... is that what is most important? i have friends who pray every day and their lives have been full of repetitive, grueling hardship. or, maybe it is that i don't see my own hardships as all that bad. i don't know. maybe it is because my hardships don't include bad health, and it's true...health is probably one of the most valuable possessions one can have.

then i thought, maybe the most important thing is not to be selfish ... or ... to understand the difference between guarding oneself from harm and being selfish. sometimes people think they're just protecting themselves, making decisions based on a hard truth they've been taught early on: "look out for yourself, for nobody else is". but, while i see how guarding oneself in certain aspects is o.k., i think, a lot of the decisions and behaviors resulting from this mantra are just plain egotistical, something that, I think, creates bad karma.
you _have_ to think of others. you _must not_ be selfish. these things are key to a clean spirituality.
you can pray all you want, if you are doing bad things, it's all lost.
it is your actions that matter not your religious activities, which is why i gave up on my strict observance of certain practices (don't eat pork, don't ever drink, etc. etc.). it doesn't matter if you do it all, if you are not doing your best to be a good person, you may as well just go forget about your relationship with god, for you are not listening. of course, the listening part can kick in at any time - usually later in life for most people .. so, ...don't forget about that relationship, i suppose....and use your brain a little.

of course, ... this is if there really is a god. ... oh my, just writing such a doubtful sentence gives me physical symptoms of stress. as if someone is shooting a neurological rush through my body, reminding me that i better not even start on that tangent. [i think, i wrote something about atheism once. it was another one of those philosophically clear moments. an idea. an epiphany of sort. ... maybe i can find it and post].

burned out

Today is another day I tried to talk myself into quitting my job.

Every time I fantasize about walking out of the office or a meeting - just like that - and never come back, my reason (called motherly sense of responsibility) kicks in and advises me not to be so hot-headed....to think a few steps ahead and the fact that I have children to feed and clothe.....to weigh the risks. And once my head is done with my wild inspiration, all my valor has usually dissipated and all that is left is frustration, simmering anger, and stress, manifesting itself with heart ache and the activation of my lacrimal glands.

I am tired of the office politics. I am tired of the liars, the intrigues, the gossip, the laziness, the bad decision making and lack of expertise or professional/interpersonal grace all around me. Not everyone around me is despicable, of course. I have a lot of very lovely colleagues. Unfortunately, the environment as a whole is toxic, unproductive, and the anti-thesis to collaboration, for people have nothing but attacks or criticism for each other's ideas. It's maddening.

But what is most upsetting is the fact that I got stuck in a place where I should most definitely not have settled. Now I am so deep into it that it's going to take a lot of gut to step out of it all and build a new career, a new life. It is incredibly frightening to take the risk and quit in THIS economy (which experts refer to no longer as a recession but a full fledged depression). This fear creates a sort of paralysis which keeps me straight on my commute to work, leaves me put on my uncomfortable, back-breaking office chair, smiling at everyone as if nothing were wrong and as if I loved my job.

I am good at what I do... but it is an empty existence. Who the hell cares about what I do? It is irrelevant to this world. I want to make a change. Not only creatively but also with non-profit work (helping the needy).
I am the type of person who would be glad to report on the front lines of a war...what the hell am I doing in IT?

Of course, just because I would like to be a (photo-)journalist on the front, doesn't mean I have the luxury to do so anymore. At least, that's how I see it. I owe it to my young daughters to make sure I keep my stable job, don't jump off any cliffs or travel into war-zones. It's not about me anymore....but I am dying here (no pun intended).

And, of course, I am not.

I know, how lucky I am to have what I have. I am LUCKY _not_ to live in a war zone, I am blessed to have healthy children, my own health, a roof over my head, a secure job, food on my table. And I don't forget to thank God for these privileges every day, many times a day. ... But, ... still I feel like  I must make a change and take a risk, for if I don't, I think, I'll internalize all this stress and make myself sick.

I read a quote on happiness the other day....I'm paraphrasing: "10% is about what life gives you and 90% is about how you take it." ....  I'm usually pretty good at adhering to this kind of credo but sometimes (or lately) I am overwhelmed by how I seem to have wasted my potential. I am turning 38 this year. 3-8! .... I need to take action soon or it will be too late to really build something new....

I want to curl up and cry now.
But, I'm going to have to get back to my to-do list and email attacks from the management.

online dating observations

i'm back. quick update: it seems to finally be over between J and i. it's been more than two months since we've seen each other. that's longer than any (of the many separations) we've had during our 4.5 years together.

so... as a distraction (and redirection of any romantic thoughts about a man i can & should never be with)... i have signed up with two online dating services.

at first, it was more of an accident. i happened to see one of these eharmony ads on my music site (pandora) and realized that "hey! -  i'm single now... i can finally see what this is all about." so, i clicked on the ad and a thousand questions later i had my profile on eharmony but was informed that i can't really talk to anyone or see anyone's pictures if i don't cough up some $$. and so i did.
after a while, i got tired of these luigis, mitchells, franks and jeffreys....it's not that i have anything against those names but i began to discern a certain pattern of men i was being matched up with. also, and i didn't realize this before, eharmony people are really serious about dating & marriage. i'm not even sure if i ever want to be in relationship again!

so, after a few weeks of being introduced to entirely too many quinquagenarians and die-hard yankee fans, i've decided that it was time to move to a hipper dating site. i'm not saying yankee fans aren't hip but i was becoming a bit concerned that so many guys (90% of my matches) were defining themselves by a sports team preference. seriously... there are so many baseball fans looking for women that i was tempted to begin a social study, looking for a correlation of variables.

if these guys could connect with each other they could start fantasy baseball leagues based on similar match algorithms they use to match up potential romantic mates. one could draw up a whole new business model here...

anyway, so on chemistry.com the guys are indeed younger and hipper but they are probably the type of guys i should stay away from. also, i've discovered a bunch of undercover yankees fans. i understand the enthusiasm if you play sports and it is actually _your_ team who you feel for but _you are not actually playing_ for any of these big league teams? i just don't understand the enthusiasm, the empathy, the compassion. these people and their performance have nothing to do with you..
i used to watch a lot of basketball. loved it. played it, too. ... ok, i digress... enough with the sports watching obsession i don't get.

on chemistry.com they have you take a personality test, which becomes a main identifier on your profile. my result was "director". now, that may be flattering and possibly helpful if this were my linkedin profile but on a dating site i don't think it's a good feature for a woman to have that personality label association. if there is one thing i have learned over the years it is that men like to feel superior to their female, even if they are - in most cases - not by a long shot.
no guy wants to date a bossy girl (even though, in the end they all do, for women tend to try to control their men once they get comfortable). i may be a director, i may be opinionated, and so much more but i do not like to control my man. i may be a control freak in general (situation related) but as it goes for relationships, i'm more the "provide gentle feedback but then let be" kind of person. or, at least, i attempt to be that.

so, by now i've become over-saturated by all these matches. i have not actually met with anyone and i have spoken to only one person over the phone - once. we had a really good and rapid rapport over text but when we got on the phone he barely managed to listen and did most of the talking. you just never know a person until you personally interact with them. even though i highly appreciate an eloquent man i have learned that this does not necessarily mean they are a good or peaceful mate. i really ought to try to let go of this pet peeve of mine... eloquence and intellectualism (word?) does not equal good partner.

[btw... another personal observation: the better looking the guy the worse they are in bed... not that i have a lot of data to back this statement up. really, i should get out there a bit more... i'm a woman in my mid-thirties and my "number" is in the single digits... all my girlfriends have slept with at least 25-30 men. ... maybe it's because i started late, had a 12-year marriage, and then another long-term relationship. ... anyway: new year's resolution: catch up a little. get laid more! now, if only i had the time...and weren't so damn picky.]

the guys i am interested in, are often not interested in me.
maybe i should stop giving them profile/photo improvement suggestions ("hey, nice profile...but i'm not sure how i feel about a guy in his thirties who would date an 18-yr old. ... are you aware that you've put that in your age-range setting?"...or "hey, what's with the self-portrait of you over your unmade bed?" it's like the criticizing begins before we have even met.
also, maybe i should stop with sarcastic comments like "why are you taking a picture of yourself in the bathroom mirror? are you hiding from your wife?"

the photo choices these guys are making are really tragic at times. or the stuff they write about themselves or what they are looking for. it's like they need a profile consultant and if i don't tell them, who will?

assimilation observations

i've been having a visitor from austria stay with me. it's amazing how within one day that girl could absorb the very few house rules my boyfriend couldn't get into his head over the course of 4 years. this brings me to the conclusion that he simply doesn't care.

having a fellow austrian around me also makes me realize the characteristics i have lost over the years. primarily the "being too nice" trait. i can't count how many times i have heard my ex-husband or some of my friends tell me that i am being too friendly to people.
i feel like i have lost that. i am at a point at which i want to tell everyone whose life choices i disagree with exactly what i think. ;)