Thoughts (provoked by reading Henry Miller’s “The Cosmological
Eye”, 1939)
Maybe the reason we believe our times are the worst times and
the past is so infinitely more virtuous is because our perception is divided
into childhood, adolescence, young adulthood, and adulthood.
Childhood brings naiveté into our interpretations of the
world around us. Something we replace with mistrust or prejudgment over time,
thus turning “our time” into a time of moral decline and loss of humanity.
Miller writes that “Hope
is a bad thing. It means that you are not what you want to be. It means that
part of you is dead, if not _all_ of you. It means that you entertain
illusions. It’s a sort of spiritual clap, I should say.”
It seems, I have found someone who is even more cynical than
I am these days. What a depressing and dreadful statement. I feel very close to
this sentiment. I feel that I was only a few breaths away from making exactly
such an observation. My life isn’t what it was supposed to be. It isn’t what it
could be and it only isn’t because instead of brave (reckless?) and motivated
(naïve?) bold actions of change, I stuck with safety. “You’ve got kids to
support”, I tell myself, “don’t you dare quit your job in this economy. And to –
say what? – become an artist? A
photographer? A war correspondent? A writer? A composer? Either one of these
professional aspirations is insane or irresponsible, at least. Besides, you don’t
know how to write music, so why is the latter even in your list of dream jobs?”
– This soliloquy continues endlessly in my head. Everything I do is tainted by
discontent about my failure of having steered my life into the right direction
when it was crucial to do so. I’m 38 now and hopefully I’ll look back at this
time of crisis one day and think how foolish and green behind the ears I was to
think so pessimistically. I have to say, I’m slightly horrified by the thought
that this moment of reflection won’t ever happen.
Ok – I need to switch gears and get myself back up. I’m
going to go read all the inspirational fortune cookie messages I’ve saved over
time. Some, I have memorized…“If you
think you can do a thing or think you can’t do a thing, you’re right.” -- “It is a rough road that leads to the heights
of greatness.” -- “In the middle of
every difficulty lies opportunity.” -- “Fear
knocked at the door. Faith answered. No one was there.” – “This will be the
year you succeed.”
Feeling a little bit better already, although, I should
probably not save that last fortune. It will really make me feel shitty,
possibly take away the positive power of the fortune cookie, when I re-read it
next year.
I prefer reading inspirational texts instead of writings by people as cynical as
I am. It’s like medicine on a dark day filled with lung-piercing coughs. But,
somehow, even those little pills of happy are wearing off. It’s like everything
else if you have too much of it, it loses its special effect. Your favorite
dessert, “time” spent with your sweet-heart, your favorite song, coffee.
My
analogies are weakening (not that they were ever very strong). Who guessed I’m
drinking coffee right now?
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I didn't know what I was dreading more today: my first day back at work or the afternoon court date, at which I had to once again go battle my ex-husband. And to use the word "battle" is actually a completely unsuitable description, for after the judge had decided he needed to pay me over $700 every two weeks, I said that this "exorbitant amount" really wasn't necessary. Now, why the hell would I say such a thing? I really have a problem being matter-of-fact and merciless. I don't know why I felt bad for him. He earns exactly the same salary as I do, he lives with a partner that makes over 100k/year, he lives in a house in a nice NYC suburb, he is going to ARUBA in a few weeks, and over the years I have waived thousands of dollars he owed me in child support, because I felt bad for putting him in debt or so severely messing with his finances. I have tried and tried to come to an agreement just between us but he never kept up his side of the deal. He just didn't pay anything. So, ultimately, I had to go to court. And what a head-ache that was. It took me over a year to successfully process my paperwork, which the agency lost _twice_ not to mention the fact that they completely misinformed me. I should have gone to court (with a petition for enforcement) right away. Filing for child support doesn't DO anything but record that you have done so. Going to the Child Support Agency was also one of the most depressing and frustrating experiences I've ever had. The woman who was supposed to process my paperwork, had no words of advice whatsoever, sighed at every question I asked, and eventually told a co-worker sitting across from her how "sick and tired" she was of this job...WHILE I am sitting right next to her! But it gets better. She then hands me a customer satisfaction survey to fill out and return to her. Ehm - what? ... So, of course, I had to write that her service was 'excellent' and that she was 'great', cuz we all know where my paperwork would have ended up if I had put down anything else. Unfortunately, the woman was so incompetent, she misplaced my paperwork anyway and I didn't realize this until months later. And you can go ahead and try calling them. It's pointless. Except, of course, if you are my ex-husband who just has this magical touch with people (the gift of gab). When he called the agency, they told him that he shouldn't pay anything and just keep receipts of his expenses regarding the children. What receipts? He wasn't paying anything. What kind of customer rep would give such advice at an agency whose primary purpose is to get money out of refusing fathers?
